Loaf: To Pinch or Eat?

There are certain words in the English language that should not be used. Yeast. Moist. Crust. Thanks to a recent Starbucks incident, add Loaf to this list.

My new usual for the morning coffee stop is a Venti no-foam latte (my daily dose of calcium) and a piece of banana bread. This regular order came to a screeching halt with my last visit. I was running late for work and my standard place was crowded. I waited patiently for my turn hopeful the banana bread was still fresh and still available. There was a scurry of activity behind the counter among 5 employees instead of the early morning 2. Boy Bucks took the orders and shouted coffee requests in one direction and pastry demands in the other. A well-oiled machine. I’m always impressed with how quickly they shuffle people in and out. One of the reasons I choose Starbucks. Other coffee shops are missing the beauty of speed and the additional 15 minutes I have to waste watching them fuck up my order is enough to acquire a taste for the bitter Bucks. Given my frou-frou drinks with an 80% milk and sugar content, the coffee could be ground from a pile of shit and I wouldn’t notice.

Speaking of shit…it was ordered in lieu of my Banana Bread. Boy Bucks directed Girl Pastry to retrieve “One Loaf!” Excuse me? What did I order? I’ve never read the little signs displayed with their treats but apparently Banana Bread is officially labeled Banana Loaf. I looked around to see if anyone noticed I planned to eat Loaf with my coffee. (This paranoia is a result of my Biggie experience and I didn’t want anyone to think it clever to update my nickname.) Lucky for me, I didn’t know the people in line too busy reading the display cards so they wouldn’t make a similar mistake.

“Thanks dude but hold the loaf, I’ll get something else.”
“Recall! No loaf!” Exactly.

I had roughly two seconds to make a decision. I did not want to be the reason Starbucks failed in efficiency for the day.

“I’ll take…” The first card I noticed read ‘Moist Apple Crumb Cake.’ Are they trying to kill me? “…nothing. Nevermind.” I didn’t scan other options for fear that the next labels would read “yeasty donuts” or “crusty scones.” My day was ruined. Until I arrived at the office and made a cinnamon pop-tart that was not moist, yeasty or crusty. Or a Loaf. Mmmmmm…