It's Not Me, It's You

Puddy and I broke up. It’s hard to say exactly who did the breaking. I actually said the words but he didn’t argue. Instead of using the standard, “it’s not you, it’s me” routine to make it less painful for the other person. I was given the opportunity to use, “it’s not me, it’s you.” And he agreed. Case closed.

The last 2 weeks, the dude has been weird. The call frequency decreased substantially along with the duration of the conversations. His general tone was detached and withdrawn. These are the basic things people in long distance relationships have to go on for assurance everything is okay. (Listen to me, I’m an expert now.) On weekend 1 of weirdness phase, he failed to come to New York like he promised. As you remember, the last time he failed to deliver, he was full of apologies and jewelry. This time he went with something a little different, he didn’t apologize and he didn’t care. A clear indication something was very wrong. I didn’t want to break it off over the phone because that seemed unreasonable. It was possible he was going through something that had nothing to do with me. (Denial) I needed to see him to decide for sure. So I waited for his next trip to New York, not actually believing he would follow through and hoping all the same that he would return to my Perfect Puddy by the time he arrived. As I waited, I experienced a new emotion daily. I went through the 12 steps of grieving in 12 days; uneasiness, confusion, denial, frustration, depression, anger, rage, stupidity, sick, sadness, indifference, acceptance. Impressive string there. Good news…I’m in touch with all my emotions.

Puddy actually did visit and we had a good weekend together. The usual whirlwind of drinking and sex but in the end he said he didn’t know what he wanted and that included me. He woke up one day and didn’t want to be with me any more. Okay. What can I do? The funny thing is that he did this with his ex-girlfriend who was a family friend of 30 years and they dated for more than 2. If he can do that to her, he can do that to anyone. I don’t feel stupid that I didn’t see it coming, I feel stupid that I told everyone I’ve ever known about him. I was so excited to be with him. Not so excited to report the opposite. (To my mother, for example.)

I wrapped up the Puddy chapter in the same manner as everyone after a break-up. (and if they don’t do this, they should.) I spent yesterday alone feeling sorry for myself, deleted his numbers (including his friends and Little Brother) from my phones, cried that I’ll never hang out with Little Brother again, took some sleeping pills for a goodnight’s rest, and then called in late to work this morning so I could apply an ice pack to my eyes for 3 hours before stepping into public. All set. Good as new.

The positives of this break. 1. Puddy turns 36 in October and I don’t have to buy him a gift. 2. I can sleep with other people. First stop, Scuba Steve. 3. I don’t have to step into New Hampshire ever again. (No offense, Jenafear) 4. It was a clean break. No mess. He won't call me and I don't have his numbers to call him. It's just a matter of moving on. Easy to do.

Also positive…I hope when I decide to date someone else, they treat me as well as Puddy did in the first months we were together. He was perfect.