HEADS UP!

I’m always surprised to hear stories where women throw things when they are fighting. Typically at a man. Is this standard woman behavior? Should I be expecting this overwhelming surge of fury to happen one day? Do you just hit a point where you shrug and think, “And now it is time to pitch sharp household items at the person I married. Watch out kids.”

I had dinner with Trainwreck this week and he likes to spend a portion of the time complaining about his wife, Geisha. They fight like crazy. I know both of them but I don’t really have a side. They are both ridiculous. I can’t get past the fact that they have millions of dollars, healthy adorable children, and nothing to complain about. I guess they fight so they do. The reason for their current unhappiness always falls on deaf ears. I wonder what they would do if they had real problems.

In a recent argument, Geisha decided throwing silverware, including knives, would be the best way to work out her anger. Trainwreck hid in a closet like a little girl and called the cops. She was then arrested for domestic abuse. I thought this shit only happened in trailer parks. Nope. Stuffy residential areas where the best deal is a $5 million dollar spread have the same trash. I bet this impressive display gave the neighbors something to talk about. If her intention was to kill him, why didn’t she just put shredded glass in his take-out like a normal woman? Hello? Problem solved before his next digestion.

You may ask...why was she so mad? Something about the tiles selected for their new pool. Why did he call the cops? So he can have something against her if she tries to take the children away. Why doesn’t she leave him? Because she’d only have half his money and nothing to complain about. Why doesn’t he leave her? He never would. So home sweet home. At least they have enough money to pay for the therapy their children will need.

I know marriage is tough, but come on! This is just insane.

I am constantly worried about acting like a crazy woman. I’m obsessed with it actually. To the point that it probably makes me nuts. I enter most situations thinking, is this what a crazy woman would do? I assume it is because it's our nature so then I automatically do the opposite.

I think throwing knives is pretty much as sister-psycho as it gets. This means in a similar situation where I was as enraged, instead of taking out the silverware, I would stop myself, act calm, apologize for yelling, tell him I loved him and that he was perfect, set up a fund overseas to drain different accounts, find myself a good lawyer, and figure out a way to force him into an affair for blackmail. (If he was already having one, the last task would be real simple.) The kids would still need therapy but at least they wouldn’t suffer from shell shock when kitchen utensils were used.

See, I’m totally sane! Oh boy….I would never actually go to such measures, but just in case, I better stick with single life and no children.