Square Pants in a Twist

I continue to spend most office days improving my relationship with Square Pants. We flirt around the possibility of relationship but we haven’t officially done anything that fits that description since the drunken affair a few weeks back. That wild hair aside, he has returned to his rigid appropriate ways. I am hopeful that his straight as an arrow approach to life is a show for professional purposes and one of these days a naughty, complicated, sexually charged man will break free for good. My dreams are fading.

Last week we planned to meet for happy hour with Doll and Meatball, a couple of people from one of our projects who also happen to have a juicy rumor circulating about their relationship status. One of those boss/subordinate things that is a tad too close. I don’t believe they are getting it on outside of the office walls because she’s hot and he’s not but I don’t know for sure so I join the speculators for some decent gossip fun. Doll came to me upset about the Meatball rumors thinking I would be sympathetic given my vast experience dealing with a poor reputation. I don’t think sympathy is the right word, “If you’re sleeping with him to get ahead, that’s not going to happen. Sleep with Hannibal.” (Hannibal is the director of the department.) These kids, they have so much to learn.

When sharing the story, I didn’t expect to teach Square Pants another basic reality.

We love to laugh about Doll and Meatball. He just CAN’T believe they would get together since Meatball is her manager. OH MY GOD that’s just CRAZY! We joked in this nature for several weeks. During one hilarious IM conversation about them both being out of the office on the same day, I typed, “I wonder if his wife gets nice gifts out of the deal.”

Meatball is married and has a new baby girl. Something I figured Square Pants knew. But no, that was hot off the press. I BLEW HIS MIND. I was planning to do so in other ways, but this will have to be the peak of my blowing. Square Pants called me immediately following the announcement of Mrs. Meatball. “He has a wife!?!?!” Given his shock, I didn’t mention the baby until he had calmed down. 3 days later. Square Pants was just disgusted, “That is just sick! What a scumbag!” My only response, “Sometimes, Baby, there are things in this world that you’re not going to like...” I didn’t mention that would be about 80% of what I’ve accomplished to date.

I guess I thought Doll and Meatball were worth gossiping about because of the scandal with a married boss. Square Pants thought it was worth the gossip because it meant people had sexual tension within a 5 foot radius. We weren’t quite on the same page.

I know I’m tainted when it comes to this sort of thing, but I find it so rosy-cheek and bright-eyed when someone is surprised that a man would cheat on his wife. It’s almost cute. I wonder how Square Pants reacted when a tree in Pleasantville caught fire.