Good to GO

Every now and then my friend, BBC, reads Are you Serious? and calls me to share his pet peeves that deserve their own entry. Some of his have no impact on my life. For example, he has complained about the high cost of glasses frames. Thanks to Lasik eye surgery, I haven’t had to wear glasses in 5 years. I could potentially be blind by the time I’m 30, but I’ve decided the contact free existence in my 20s is worth it. And when I did wear glasses, I didn’t buy Chanel frames. Possibly the reason BBC is so upset about the cost.

Recently, BBC came up with a perfect example of something that should drive the world crazy. He asked me what I think of tools that use commercial tag lines in every day conversation. He used the example “good to go” from Taco Bell’s latest slogan. At first, I was worried if I had used the phrase and how many times, concerned this was his way of telling me to stop. Like all Brits, he’s much too direct to play such games. Once I knew I was in the clear, I started paying attention to the people who are guilty of such a crime.

Thousands of people use the phrase. I would guess that 75% realize they are copying Taco Bell and think they are clever. The rest have just let it sink into their subconscious and don’t realize they are part of the problem. I’ve only run into 3 people who have actually used the hand gesture with the phrase as well. Have mercy on their souls.

Other taglines to watch:
I’m Loving It
Have it Your Way
Raising the bar (this one could be completely unintentional since it is also a horrendous corporate phrase used to inspire employees to work harder, but due to its association with Cingular, it should be avoided)

There are others. Please do your part to save the world and share those you have experienced so the public knows what to avoid in their speech patterns.

Extracting Wisdom

A week prior to my vacation west, my mouth started to hurt. That indescribable, excruciating pain that means medication or surgery is necessary immediately. A condition where browsing the internet for any dentist in NYC seems like a great idea. Lucky for me, it didn’t quite reach that extreme. Friends helped out and I went to an office where someone trusted had already been through the trial and error process of searching for a suitable dentist.

Due to the emergency request, the dude recommended wasn’t available so I went to his kid assistant, Doogie Dentist. At that point I didn’t care. He took one look in my mouth and recommended the immediate extraction of all wisdom teeth. Right before my high school reunion. Perfect timing. I asked if he had had his removed. “Not yet.” I then wondered if all of his baby teeth had been replaced yet. “Almost.”

Bigger problem than his age…my gorgeous return to teenage years. I explained my reunion situation and how I would not be going with chipmunk cheeks and drool so he better prescribe some pain killers with refills until I can get to an oral surgeon. (Oral…ha, ha.) He understood completely which I expected since he looked 18. I was dealing with the correct mentality. Doogie hooked me up with a shot of something and a few bottles of codeine.

Two weeks later, I sat in the dentist chair of my mother’s dentist excited to be knocked unconscious. I spent the remaining 5 days of my vacation drugged up and in mommy’s care.

It’s been over a week since they relieved my mouth of unnecessary wisdom and I’m still in pain. One side of my face is a little swollen but not so much that anyone notices. I tell everyone I see about my surgery as if I suffer from a rare condition and am the first person in history that had to have wisdom teeth pulled. So far, nobody has been impressed that I survived.

Puddy was worried but rightfully so. Is there a man out there who isn’t concerned when his lover has issues with his/her mouth?

Double Boxes

My good friend, Sophia, spends a portion of her workday reading every on-line news source available. She distributes interesting articles to the rest of the Golden Girls and friends so we pass obnoxious comments back and forth. An interesting way to keep the day moving.

Although I’m always included on these email threads, I’m often left out of the fun because I work for Hell Corp and they restrict websites that could potentially make employees smile. I would love to see the list of inappropriate hits from Dubs maintained by Human Resources. I bet it’s impressive.

For some reason Hell let Two Holes through. I think it’s the idea of a sick joke. They don’t let me take celebrity quizzes, access iVillage, or read Court TV but the chick with 2 ginas is perfectly fine. I just slipped into another circle of Hell.

Aside from the disgust of learning how some woman has to handle her monthly visit from Aunt Flow, I’m just pissed she has two g-spots and I only have one. Show-off.

In the wrong hands...

I disappeared suddenly because my previous blog ended up in the wrong hands. Scared the hell out of me. I received an email from DumbAss, someone in my previous life (an old coworker, not a former life when I lived in another century as a brothel owner) and he complimented one of my entries. Fine and dandy. But he also mentioned that he sent the link to the other peeps I used to work with so they can join the fun. He added a, “hope you don’t mind.” Yes, DumbAss, I mind.

I never intend to hurt people. Well…I wouldn’t mind strangling SheTroll in front of a large, supporting audience so let me rephrase. I never intend to hurt people I care about. That is a short but distinguished list. Some of the content included in my last blog was hurtful to one particular individual. Although I use nicknames to protect the innocent, most people are aware of their alias. DumbAss is not aware of his or the ones assigned to the coworkers he included in his frightening distribution. He wasn’t included in the circle of trust.

Let’s hope he doesn’t catch on again…

Stay tuned for the following:

• Reunited – Details of high school reunion
• Liquid Diet – Results of recent wisdom tooth extraction
• God's Brothel – Book review
• Good to Go – Tools who use jingle phrases in every day conversation
• Famn Damily – Meeting Puddy’s entire family
• FUUUUUUCK – Perils of monogamy

It’s been awhile. I have serious issues to discuss.