Bah Humbug

There’s no easy way to say this so I’m just going to come out with it. I fucking hate Christmas. I’m sorry, but I do. I really do. Phew…that’s a tough one to put in writing or say aloud where people can hear me. I’d like to go stand outside the Rockefeller tree and scream it but that’s a little extreme. And the consequence involves elves.

I know it’s the time of year to be a little bit nicer to everyone and more compassionate about those less fortunate. That’s fine. Do we have to do it with a Santa hat and bells?

I think I enjoyed the holiday when I was young but that was really only because of the presents. I didn’t enjoy the decorations, the carols, the shopping, the forced merry and bright crap, I just have always thought it was that…crap. Perhaps I’m still angry that I was never cast as Mary in my church’s nativity play. I was always one of the animals because I couldn’t sing. If you were cast as a donkey several years in a row, you’d hate Christmas too.

At work in our last department meeting, some women who will be known as Retard suggested we draw for Secret Santas. I laughed because I thought she was joking. Our director wasn’t sure how to respond to such a ludicrous idea so I helped. “On behalf of our department that is 40% Jewish and 80% male, I vote no way in hell.” I talked to Retard afterwards and tried to control the are-you-serious tone I’m known for. She thought it was a good idea because department morale seemed low. I explained morale was low because we were just told our bonuses are going to suck and our department restructure demoted several people. A bag of red and green M&Ms from a Secret Santa that is possibly their new supervisor won’t help. (For those who care, I was not demoted.)

Just when I didn’t think this holiday could annoy me more, Blanche forwards an email with the subject “MAIL SERVICES HOLIDAY COLLECTION.” She was asking if, like her, we were required to contribute $30-$45 dollars to the mail people at our offices. What? No, I’m currently not forced to give more money than I spend on my siblings for the holiday to people who are actually employed. I would rather put $45 in the red bucket outside Macy’s. She’ll give the money because it is bonus season and the mail people are nice but it’s the obligation that’s irritating. And the person at their company who decided this was a necessary act of kindness. How about the company pays them more?

My trip home this Christmas totaled over $1000. Before I bought the ticket I called home and asked if I could visit when it didn’t cost a Mail Services paycheck. Mom didn’t like that much because Christmas is the time to be with family. News to me. My mom isn’t sentimental, she refuses to attend family reunions, she actually pays to have a Christmas tree delivered decorated because none of us can be bothered with the task of hanging ornaments ourselves, but when I say I would rather come home in January where prices are reasonable suddenly she’s Mrs. Claus. I bought the ticket because it isn’t worth the fight.

Before I actually morph into Ebenezer Scrooge I will say I do like a few things about the holidays. The endless parties, the Nutcracker, and Egg Nog (preferably spiked but I'm dangerous to be around when consumed.) Happy Holidays!